I receive a little book called “the 5 love languages” (by Gary Chapman) from a friend of mine and it completely blew my mind! My first thought was “well, another one of that self-help-relationship-quick-fix-tips kind of book” but wow… I’ve been wrong! The theory and experience behind it just impressed me! It’s super simple to understand, and once you work with it, you will see what a great impact it will have on your life.
At least it had for mine 🙂
The fundamental theory of this book is that every one of us has a specific love language. Once we know our language and the one of our partner, we set the foundation for a beautiful and fulfilled relationship.
The 5 love languages are:⠀
1. words of affirmation (receiving nice feedback from our partner for work we did, a compliment, praise, or hearing that he or she is proud of us)
2. acts of service (your partner cleaned the house for your, cooked for you, picked up your amazon delivery from the post office, walks the dog for you etc.)
3. receiving gifts (your partner surprises you with little gifts without a special occasion, gives you flowers or he or she gets you that watch that you always wanted for your birthday, etc.)
4. quality time (your partner spends special quality time with you… during this time, nothing else exists for him or her, only YOU… he(she) listens, looks you deeply in the eyes and prioritises you over every phone call that comes in.. etc.)
5. physical touch (your partner gives you little kisses during the day, hugs you, holds you tight in the arms, holds your hand, strokes your hair etc.)
Of course, we like each of these 5 elements (who doesn’t like receiving gifts 🙃 ) but it’s essential to find the one element that’s vital for you. That one thing that (when not received) will keep you wondering if he or she actually loves you.
If we can find our love language, communicate it to or partner in a loving way and he or she understands and acts on it, something amazing arises.
Let’s say, Sue and Jimmy, have been together for 3 years. In the beginning, Jimmy has always brought fresh roses for Sue on their dates, listened carefully to everything she said and just loved spending time with her. He knew how much she means to him and wanted to keep the “fire in the relationship” alive. So Jimmy promised himself that he will never stop buying the little presents that she likes so much. The fresh flowers, the bracelets, even a new car. But one day, out of the sudden, Sue said that she doesn’t feel loved by him any more and that he never has time for her. Of course, Jimmy is shocked, hurt and also a little angry… “But I brought you all these gifts during the last couple of years! Don’t you see how much I love you?”. But Sue said: “I don’t need any gifts from you, I just want YOU and your attention! You are always on your phone or working… I feel ignored by you!”
Do you see it? Sue’s love language is “quality time”, but Jimmy tried to prove it to her using the language “receiving gifts”.
Do you get what I want to show you? Although Jimmy tried really hard, Sue just couldn’t see the love that he feels for her.
How about you? Can you relate to Jimmy or Sue? Did you also feel as if you do everything in a relationship to make your partner happy, but he or she simply doesn’t “see” it? Well, maybe it’s just not important to him/her.
I deeply recommend reflecting on yourself and finding out what your true love language is. If you could only choose ONE thing from the 5 languages above, what would it be that your partner NEEDS to do for you in order for you to feel loved?
Once you are clear about your’s, ask your partner to do the same reflection and find out what’s his/her love language. Take some time to discuss your realization together… you may be surprised 🙂
And now comes the hard part… act upon it! Really try to implement your knowledge of your partner in your daily life. It will be worth it…
If you want to work deeper on the topic or have any questions, I would highly recommend buying Chapman’s book. And NO, this blog is NOT sponsored- just truly inspired by him <3
PS: In case you have any questions, you are more than welcome to message me at any time at firstname.lastname@example.org